Heart Pieces: The New Journey
by DentedChassis
Summary: Link is the hero of both Hyrule and Termina, but what else is there in life? Link is unsure of what will come next until he is met with a new quest- but will he be able to complete it even when faced with the distraction of nearly every woman he has ever met and saved competing for his attention and affection? (T for comical violence, language, and suggestive themes)
1. Majora's Aftermath

**Hello, readers. I'm glad that you decided to take a look at my story. This is mainly centered around a lighthearted journey with occasional humorous brutal injury and scarring. I will put in references to other fics on this website, shows like Jake and Amir, and other things I find interesting, so let me know if you find any that I've hidden. Without further ado, I present to you… this.**

 **Disclaimer: I honestly don't own anything, including The Legend of Zelda, so please don't sue me.**

* * *

Link groggily opened his eyes and looked around, trying to recognize his surroundings. He saw the Clock Tower in front of him as he began to remember why he was lying in Clock Town. The hero noticed what sounded like hundreds of terrified villagers screaming in fear. He looked around him to see hundreds of terrified villagers screaming in fear and running away from the Clock Tower. Wondering why, he looked towards the landmark in question and saw the moon, its unnerving and honestly kind of rapey face missing from the massive rock. Upon closer inspection, the spherical body now looked like two broken moons… and now four… then about ten. Link squinted at it in confusion before his eyes widened that the moon was not multiplying, but simply exploding.

' _Where am I?',_ He wondered as he familiarized himself with the road and houses around him. ' _And why is the moon blowing up? I figured that when I killed Majora, it would just… I don't know, go back in the sky.'_ A few moments later, Majora flew out of the moon, but it was intercepted by the Happy Mask Salesman. The angry merchant jumped into the air and kicked the mask-demon into the side of the Clock Tower, causing it to begin to collapse. He then started pummeling Majora into the ground as moonrock shrapnel rained around them. This went on for several minutes before the HMS jumped out of the large crater he had created, with Majora's Mask strapped to the side of his large backpack.

"Tael! There you are!" Link's eyes were drawn away from the terrifying mask salesman as he heard Tatl calling out to her brother. He saw his small companion fly over to Tael, who was dragging the incapacitated Skull Kid through the rubble and raining rock fragments. "Thank goodness you're alright!" She called. The two glowing fairies flew together and… hugged? To the Hylian bystander, it just looked like two orbs of light bumping together.

"Link, thank you for freeing our friend from that evil mask!" Tael exclaimed.

' _Wait… Tael is a guy? I assumed that all fairies were girls...'_ Link thought as Tatl and Tael flew down to sit on the downed Skull Kid's shoulders. ' _Oh hey, Tatl… Tael. Tattletale! I just now got that!'_ Link laughed silently. Tael looked at him with a confused expression, as silent laughter usually makes someone look like he/she is choking to death.

"Is he alright?" Tael asked Tatl.

"Yeah, that's kinda just how he is," Tatl replied, looking at Link, who had a large smile on his face despite witnessing the moon explode and end hundreds of lives just minutes ago. After watching him for several minutes, she began to worry when she noticed that he didn't seem to be breathing or blinking. "Hey Link, I think that-" she was interrupted as he began to scream inaudibly and hide behind his shield. "Whoah, whoah, what the hell dude?!" She yelled. A small piece of the moon then fell from the sky, clipping the terrified boy's ear. This seemed to bring him out of his horrified trance; he stopped screaming and took a Red Potion™ seemingly out of nowhere. He applied it to his wounded ear, which stopped the bleeding but still left him without an earlobe.

"Okay, where did that potion come from?" Tael asked, "And what just happened?!"

"Nobody knows where he keeps all his stuff," Tatl replied. "As for that whole episode just then, I literally have NO idea." Link began to rub his hand over the dusty surface of the road that he was sitting on, smoothing the area. He then wrote two words in the dust with his finger: _WATER TEMPLE_.

"Right, Link told me about this once!" Tatl exclaimed in remembrance.

"Wait, he _told_ you?" Tael interjected. "He doesn't talk much from what I've seen.

"Yeah, he wrote this whole story thing in the dust once. It took nineteen hours, and when he was done, a peddler rolled over it with a carriage. Anyway, he once went to this temple that was full of water."

At this, Tael feigned an expression of shock. "Whoah, really? The _Water_ Temple is full of water?!" Tatl punched him out of the air.

"He was stuck in this temple for days, and it was full of poorly designed puzzles. He had to use these boots made of iron to sink to the bottom of the temple, but they only made him sink when he was wearing them, and they eventually got really rusty, like, to the point where he had to throw them away. It seemed pretty bad. So now, he has episodic, nightmarish flashbacks sometimes. I'd never seen it happen until now…" Tatl finished her story and Link nodded in confirmation.

"It sounds like he has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." Tael commented after recovering from his fall.

"Pretty much."

* * *

After a day of looting the flaming and demolished homes of Clock Town's citizens, the foursome consisting of Link, Tael, Tatl, and the still unconscious Skull Kid decided to camp out in a crater surrounded by large pieces of the moon created by the violent explosion from earlier that day.

"We were in so many houses today, why are we sleeping in a crater without supplies or food?" Tatl questioned. She looked to Link for an answer, only to see him poking Skull Kid's closed eye. The imp didn't even move, despite the green-clad hero accidentally poking him too hard and caving his eye in.

"You know, this moon rock seems like a great portal conductor," Tael commented randomly.

"What does-" Tatl started.

"Anyway, bedtime!" Tael cut her off before going comatose immediately.

' _Hmm… Hanging out with Skull Kid again was really fun…'_ Tatl pondered, glancing at the unmoving imp. ' _Maybe I should stay with him for a while longer… Unless he's dead, which he actually might be. I haven't seen him move or anything since we met up with Tael. Oh well, any excuse to get away from Link...'_ Her eyes slowly closed as she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

The group- three members of the group awoke to the sound of citizens returning to their town and homes. The two fairies yawned and stretched while Link attempted to get up. He shot his Hookshot at a nearby hanging sign, but it dislodged and was pulled into his body at around 20 mph.

"We should probably leave the area before people start realizing that we stole their stuff," Tael remarked. Link nodded in agreement and jumped out of the crater.

"Speaking of leaving… Link, I've decided that it would be best if I stayed with Tael and Skull Kid," Tatl stated while glancing at the imp's flaccid body. "We've been on this quest for months, and-"

"It's only been like three days," Tael interjected, unaware of the Ocarina of Time's capabilities.

Tatl glared at the dark fairy before continuing. "Being with you has made me realize… that I don't like you that much." Link tilted his head in confusion. "Yeah, you aren't very smart. and you're actually not that great at playing the ocarina. It took you two hours to learn the Song of Soaring. And you would constantly play the Bolero of Fire when trying to learn other songs, which teleported us to some volcano. You also blink waaay too often. At first, I thought you were batting your eyelashes or something, but you just blink a lot. It's kind of scary." With each new critique and named flaw, Link's expression became sadder. He hung his head until he noticed that one of the large rocks in the crater was shifting. He tried to cry out and warn the fairies and Skull Kid, who was definitely dead at that point, but he remembered that he couldn't speak. In an instant, the rock had fallen, covering and ostensibly killing both fairies and mutilating Skull Kid's corpse.

' _I have no idea what just happened,'_ Link thought, in a state of shock. Before the hero could reflect on what appeared to be the death of a close friend, he was approached by the Happy Mask Salesman.

"Hello there, Link. Would you like some caaandy?" The salesman asked, gesturing towards his large backpack. At this, Link began to vigorously shake his head in fear. The HMS looked very angry for a moment, but he quickly regained his composure. "Well, that's a shame. In that case, how would you like to be the proud owner of a cool mask?" He held up Majora's Mask.

' _I feel like that mask is dangerous… Oh well!'_ Link smiled excitedly and threw ten silver rupees at the merchant, completely forgetting the evil power it contained.

"Actually, this mask is only 15 rupees!" The HMS explained, but Link just grabbed the possessed mask from his hands.

"DA DA DA DAAAAA!"

"What the hell?!" The HMS pulled a shiv from his pocket and waved it around. He soon realized that he wasn't in danger and put the weapon away. "What was that? Has that happened before?" The startled salesman asked Link. The hero simply shrugged and put his new mask on. Immediately afterward, the Hylian began to flail and attempt to pull the mask from his face, but it would not come off. After almost ten minutes of tugging at the evil artifact, it unlatched from Link's face and fell to the ground. The hero's entire face was painted red with blood, but after splashing a Red Potion™ on his injured skin, the blood evaporated into the atmosphere.

Wanting to appear cool, the hero threw a Deku Nut and attempted to escape while the HMS was blinded. Unfortunately, he forgot to look away and his vision flashed white. The HMS was unaffected, as he happened to be looking the other way.

Quickly recovering, Link stood up and realized that the Happy Mask Salesman was nowhere to be found. After grabbing Majora's Mask, he decided to use the Song of Soaring to visit the many landmarks he had encountered one last time before returning to his home in Hylian Kokiri Forest. Because of his novice ocarina skills, the hero promptly played the Bolero of Fire and warped to Death Mountain. Directly into a pool of lava. His final tour of Termina was quickly forgotten in favor of escaping the molten rock that he had fallen into. After lamely pulling himself out of the burning liquid, Link rolled around for several seconds before becoming , a pink fairy flew from Link's pocket. "What's going on up here?" She asked. "Oh no! This man is hurt! Is anyone here a doctor?" The fairy called to the empty volcano. "What will I- Oh! Oh Goddesses! Ah! AAAH!" The fairy screamed as she was torn in half by an invisible force. She continued screaming as the force tore her into pieces until she was separated into small dust particles. The other fairies in Link's numerous jars began to scream in terror as they witnessed the remains of their sister slowly drift onto Link's burnt corpse.

The resurrected hero sat up abruptly, gasping for air. All of his cuts and burns were gone; the fairy had unwillingly traded her life for his.

' _That's much better!'_ Link thought happily before standing up. He located Death Mountain's exit and walked toward it, excited to see his native land for the first time in a debatable period.

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 **There you have it, Chapter 1. I'm impressed you read the whole thing. Please let me know what I did well, what I could do better, and who your favorite Pokemon is. I'll see you next week.**


	2. The Return

**Hello again, readers. I meant to update yesterday, but I was on vacation, so here we are today! Since last chapter, the story has gained two amazing followers: CheddarLord and Machina per Dei. Thanks, guys, you're my first two. Moving on… I hope you enjoy chapter 2. Especially you two. Thanks.**

* * *

Link walked through a large hole in the Death Mountain Crater's side and found himself on a tall ledge. Now outside of Death Mountain, he looked around and took a breath of Hylian air. The wide smile on his face slowly disappeared, and a look of disgust took its place. The hero dashed to the edge of the cliff and vomited into the void below.

"Hey, what is this stu- What the fricking frick, this is puke! Someone puked on me!"

 _'Oh Goddesses, is this what Hyrule smells like **all the time**?! That's horrible!'_ Link thought.

The voice below stopped screaming, and Link thought he heard someone crying. It wasn't a gentle, sad crying though. It sounded like a baby, going through puberty, who had just witnessed its parents get hit by a bus. Worried, the hero slid down the rocky mountainside to investigate. Halfway down, he lost his grip and tumbled down the jagged slope. Sharp rocks and spiked protrusions impaled and tore at the falling boy as he desperately attempted to grip a ledge and halt his descent. Finally, he landed in the rocky, dusty valley below Death Mountain with almost every bone in his body broken. A pink fairy fluttered out of one of Link's bottles. Remembering her sister's fate, she began screaming in fear. Her screams of terror quickly turned to shrieks of agony as her body was torn apart by an invisible force until it was separated into dust-like granules and sprinkled over Link's inanimate body.

The air filled with sickening snapping sounds as the hero's bones slid back into place and his gashes closed. His spilled, now dusty blood was sucked back into his body. Link sprung to his feet and brushed dust and small rocks from his tunic, oblivious to both his own recent death and the fairy's gruesome demise. Through the thick dust cloud of the valley, the hero saw the silhouette of a Goron.

"Hey Greenbean, are you the guy that just threw up on my face?" It asked angrily before stepping into view. The rock creature had an oddly small, yet fat body with long frog-like limbs. He was about four feet tall with large lips and a face that not even a mother could love. "What's that? Who am I?" It asked rhetorically, neither waiting for an answer to its first question nor actually hearing anyone ask who he was. "I am Jeremy, expert Goron and all-around cool guy!" Jeremy posed heroically despite Link's vomit still being present on his head.

 _'How can someone be an expert at being a Goron?'_ Link asked himself. Before he could further question the short, stout rock creature's self-proclaimed title, the he continued his monologue.

"You have ruined my day, and I will have my revenge! You will receive righteous punishment! I will- Hey, are you listening?!" Jeremy looked in Link's direction to see the hero absentmindedly licking an empty jar. "Where did you get that? Seriously, I'm pretty sure I heard you falling down a mountain earlier. How did it not break, and how- how do you even carry it? It looks clean, so you probably didn't find it down here. You don't have big enough pockets, so seriously… wait, I'm getting off topic. You threw up on my face, so your punishment is that you will be my slave forever!"

Link simply shook his head no.

"Fine, ten years."

Link shook his head.

"One year."

Link shook his head.

"One month. Be my slave for one month, please!"

Link slowly blinked.

"One week! Please, just one week! Be my slave for just one week!"

Link fell over, as if he had suddenly forgotten to support himself.

"That's it! Now I will have my revenge! You will lose what you hold dearest! I need to go brush my grandfather, but I will be back!" The Goron turned on his heel and tried to run off indignantly. After three steps, he tripped before getting up and continuing to run, now sobbing as well.

Link looked up to see that the Goron had left, leaving a large cloud of dust in his wake. He had not paid attention to the majority of the rock creature's declaration, as he was trying to grab a ladybug that had landed on the tip of his nose. The hero then noticed a faint blue light illuminating the dust behind a large rock at the side of the valley.

* * *

Navi watched quietly as a green-clad figure tumbled down the sheer cliffside of the valley in which she had been hiding after she left Link at the Temple of Time.

 _'Damn it, how did he find me?'_ She wondered. _'Alright, don't panic. I just need to go back to my cavehouse and everything will be fine. He won't get me. Not again.'_

* * *

Flashback

"I can't wait to meet my new Kokiri, Michael!" Navi exclaimed. She was on her way to the house of the Kokiri boy that she had been assigned to. The fairy was a little behind schedule, so she decided to cut through the house of another Kokiri boy, Link. She flew into his house through an open window, but was immediately seized by a small hand.

"Hey, let me go!" the fairy yelled indignantly. The small boy shoved Navi into his pocket and did a backflip out his door. Both of his legs shattered at the bottom of the twelve foot drop from his house to the ground. The disheveled fairy weakly crawled out of Link's pocket before going limp from injury and exhaustion.

"Wow Link, I didn't know you got a fairy!" A young girl with green hair walked up to the injured pair. "Congratulations, that's great!" She grabbed the fairy and patted it on the head. Her eyes then narrowed, and she brought the small guardian close to her lips. "You will not steal Link from me," the girl whispered, almost inaudibly, before putting her in Link's hat.

End Flashback

* * *

Navi saw a small Goron with a fat body and skinny limbs yelling at Link, and it looked like he had something on his face. He reminded the fairy of an orange frog. Suddenly, he began to run away before tripping and bursting into tears. He kicked up a cloud of dust in doing so, and the particles around the fairy began to glow blue. Link appeared to notice this, and he began running towards the light, his arms flapping at his sides awkwardly.

"Oh shi- Heeeeeeey, Link!" Link smiled happily as he saw his old companion. Before Navi could make a break for a small cave in the cliff face, the hero grabbed her out of the air and pulled her into a hug, made awkward by the fact that the fairy was the approximate size of the boy's hand.

The fairy struggled to escape, but stopped when she felt Link shaking softly. She did her best to look up at his face, and she saw that he was… crying? The Kokiri boy had a soft smile on his face, tears slowly rolling down his cheeks.

 _'Link is… happy to see me?'_ The fairy was confused by Link's reaction to finding her. _'Aw crap, now I feel like I have to stay with him or else he'll be sad. I mean, who knows what kind of damage a depressed boy with a sword, a bow, and BOMBS could do to society?'_

"So, um, who was that Goron you were talking to?" Navi asked hesitantly.

The tears on Link's face seemed to crawl back up his face and into his tear ducts. He smiled and began to make frenzied hand motions until the ladybug that he was grabbing at before flew into his mouth, causing him to drop to the ground and begin silently choking.

As opposed to being worried, Navi simply commented, "You know, I always found it odd that you yell when you fall and battle, but you can't scream or even cough audibly. I'm pretty sure that for the second one, you don't even need vocal cords. I'm just saying."

Link recovered and sat up. He shrugged and coughed, two insect wings falling from his mouth. The hero then began to sketch a picture into the fine sand that was the ground.

"What is that? Oh. Wait... whoah, whoah, whoa, why would you draw that? That's terrible! You should be ashamed!" Navi yelled.

Link thought for a moment. And another. And one more. He drew one more small line with his finger.

"Oh, it's your house. You're right, we should go back to Kokiri Forest."

* * *

After six hours of climbing and falling, Link was out of the pit that he had earlier fallen into.

"That took a pretty long time considering that it was only a ten foot climb," Navi commented. "And you could have just played the Minuet of Forest or something." At this, Link's eyes lit up. He pulled out his ocarina and played the Bolero of Fire. Nothing happened. Link played it again. This time, he teleported about three feet to the left.

"What's wrong with your ocarina?" Link turned it over and noticed a large chip in the ceramic surface of the instrument. Colorful sparks sprayed from the deformity every few seconds, as if it were a piece of broken machinery. The hero quickly put it in his pocket and motioned for his companion to follow him.

"You aren't going to teleport back to the forest?" she asked incredulously. Link shook his head quickly. "Did you break the ocarina?" Link shook his head even faster. "Alriiight…" Navi looked skeptically at the young hero.

The duo had been walking/floating toward the exit into Hyrule Field as they talked, and they were almost there. "The sun is setting, so we'd better go quickly if we don't want to be attacked by Stalchildren..." The fairy slowly tapered off as she saw the massive army of undead skeletons that awaited them in the field.

"Oh crap."

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 **There you go, chapter 2. I tried to write Jeremy as the worst person that anyone could ever meet, so I hope I did well with that and that you like the character. He'll be back. Navi's back too! *clapping*. But yeah, review if you want to see anything happen, etc. As always, thanks, and I'll see you next week.**


	3. Fields and Davie

**Hello everyone, and welcome back. First off, I would like to address the reviews I got last chapter.**

 **To Machina per Dei- What you just read is the beginning of something wonderful, fun, and maybe a little inadvertently offensive.**

 **To CheddarLord- Thank you very much, that means a lot to hear at this point in a fic. To show my gratitude, you have a small role in this chapter.**

 **Thank you both for your reviews. On another note, I have changed my pen name. Yes, I was formerly YellowSnow335. Speaking of changes… sort of… I made a cover for this fic. I'll admit, it isn't great and it was made in Paint, so if anyone has a cool non-copyrighted or custom cover that you think would be good for this fic, I would appreciate it if you could let me know about it. Chapter three, activate.**

* * *

"Hehehehehe," Navi laughed quietly to herself. She was about twenty feet in the air, watching Link haphazardly navigate the army of Stalchildren in Hyrule Field. He was attempting to passively rush through their numbers, but the undead skeletons were quickly overwhelming him. Suddenly, a Stalchild rose from the ground in front of the hero and quickly slashed at him with its clawed hand. Link plummeted to the ground as if he had been struck by a train.

The skeletal monster squatted repeatedly over the boy's body while defying the laws of physics by spinning quickly in a circle several times. The others began to kick dirt onto the downed hero, but they stopped when the first Stalchild fell to the ground and began to scream. Link slowly rose to his feet, the Kokiri Sword in his left hand and the creature's leg in his right. The dozens of skeletons froze in horror at the sight, and Navi swore she saw Link's eyes flash red. He grabbed a Stalchild and shoved the severed leg down its throat. It began to choke and was slowly dying until Link shoved his sword through its skull. He swung the sword again, cleanly chopping off the heads of three Stalchildren. Enraged, the others began to swarm the hero from all sides. A familiar blue light engulfed the Kokiri Sword, soon turning orange. Link unleashed his signature Spin Attack, which decimated at least twenty of the sluggish monsters. Their numbers were quick to replenish, however, so the hero pointed his sword horizontally in front of him and prepared to charge. He ran straight through a thick wall of Stalchildren, skewering several and battering even more to the ground. For several minutes the brutality continued, until the ground began to rumble and the remaining Stalchildren retreated into the ground. The small earthquake caused one of the field's sparse trees to fall and crush a bystander. Navi saw this and flew down to the injured civilian.

"Please, you've got to help me! I'm trapped, and I think this tree crushed my ribcage!" The injured Hylian cried. Ignoring this, Navi stole the person's wallet. She took out the 50 rupees that were inside and looked at the I.D.

"Hmm… Cheddar Q. Lord." She looked up from the wallet. "Doesn't sound like I'd get in trouble for not saving him… or, her?" The helpless civilian's face had been torn off by the tree. The fairy soon became distracted when the ground stopped shaking, and she looked in Link's direction.

Link sheathed his sword, believing the fight to be over. He realized that he was wrong when an enormous, nearly fifteen foot tall Stalchild rose from the ground. Seeing the shattered bodies of its brethren, the gargantuan monster roared and swept one of its arms across the ground. The massive appendage collided with Link, and he was sent flying. The hero took a moment to recover before drawing his sword and dashing at the attacker at a seemingly impossible speed. He jumped and did a flip, landing sideways at the bottom of the creature's midsection. The green-clad boy ran up its body, his blade trailing behind him and cutting a line through the monster. He then ended the attack by doing a backflip, pulling the sword up through the beast's head, and landing gracefully in front of it.

Navi flew down to meet the hero after his astounding victory. "Wow Link, that was amazing! I've never seen you fight that well, or fight well at all, actually, come to think of it." The fairy was interrupted by another small quake, this time coming directly from the Stalchild. Beams of light protruded from rapidly forming cracks in the skull of the creature as it began to die. Instead of simply crumbling like the other Stalchildren, this one exploded, and a sheet of blood splashed onto the duo and the surrounding land.

"This… water… I'm drowning! I'm drowning! Let me out! Let me out of the temple! I can't breathe underwater!" Navi began to scream and roll on the ground, and Link started playing Zelda's Lullaby continuously on the Ocarina of Time. He reached for his Hookshot, but it, along with the majority of his other dungeon items had mysteriously disappeared, possibly due to his ocarina's teleportation malfunction. This did not seem to affect the boy's episode, as he was constantly aiming his empty hand at unseen objects and appearing to pull an imaginary trigger.

"Shoot the Shell Blades when they reveal their vulnerable muscle! Shoot them!" Navi screamed, her eyes glazed over and her mouth foaming. This only served to further panic Link; he began running around in circles and attempting to pull his hat off. Oddly, it did not move from its spot on his head despite his forceful tugging. The hero fell to the ground and smelled the coarse grass before pulling a single, light green blade from the ground with his teeth.

* * *

For hours, he watched the boy and his fairy writhe and flail through a small peephole in the pipe. It was almost sunrise when the two had finally stopped moving and lay still on the rough grass of Hyrule Field. Finally, he pulled back and admired the large system of periscopes that he had constructed. He had used wooden pipes and mirrors to create a complex surveillance system that covered nearly every inch of Hyrule. The carved labels on many of the pipes read things like "Death Mountain", "Hyrule Field 1-3", "Nabooru's Room", and "Great Fairy's Fountain". The Great Fairy's pipe had been quickly been covered after he had seen what the Fairy herself looked like. There were also seven pipes connected to Link's home in Kokiri Forest. Those were his favorites. The best part was that nobody except him knew about the surveillance system. Realizing that his thoughts had gotten off track, he shook his head, despite it having no scientifically proven effect whatsoever.

"I suppose that I should go get them. I certainly wouldn't want them to get eaten by Peahats," he monologued. With that, he stretched his neck and departed.

* * *

After about a minute of looking around Hyrule Field,he located the boy and his fairy, two unconscious, bloodsoaked, silhouettes in the middle of the field. He made his way over to the duo and inspected their bodies.

"Good. They're still alive," he commented. "I'd better take them to Castle Town."

Purple fire engulfed Ganondorf's hand as he pulled his arm back for another punch. He had been attempting to break through the walls of the Sacred Realm ever since he was imprisoned within it, which was about two weeks ago. He was enraged that the king's soldiers had believed that he was plotting to overthrow Hyrule just because Princess Zelda and a young, green-clad boy had claimed it. The boy hadn't even spoken; he just blew on his own hands the whole time. Now, of course it _was_ true that the Gerudo king was going to steal the throne, but he would give it back right after he got the Triforce! Everyone always made ginger jokes about him, so he was going to wish for a different hair color. Was that so much to ask? Either way, he hadn't done anything wrong yet, and they banished him to an eternity in the Sacred Realm, a ten by ten by ten foot box with golden, glasslike walls.

There was nothing remarkable about the room, aside from a wooden door. Ganondorf had tried for hours to break the door, but it was even more fortified than the walls, which sported small cracks after the first few days of continuous punching. The only other noteworthy feature was a disembodied voice named Davie that had been speaking to the Gerudo king since he was thrown into the Sacred Realm.

"You know," Davie had said on the third day. "You may not find what you're looking for behind that wall."

"What do you mean? This is the wall with the door attached to it. It has to go somewhere," Ganondorf responded.

"Maybe, but I think you would have a way better chance if you tried the left wall instead."

"Davie, I really don't trust you that much. Yesterday, you told me the floor was lemon flavored. It looked kind of like a lemon candy, and I was pretty hungry, so I licked the floor. And do you know what it tasted like, Davie?"

"What did it taste like?"

"Fingers. It tasted like fingers, Davie."

"How do you know you know what fingers taste like?"

"I just do."

"Do they have a distinct flavor? Have you tried them? Have you actually eaten people's fingers, Ganondorf?"

"That doesn't matter."

"Oh my Goddesses, you've eaten people's fingers! Why would you do that?!"

"It was senior year, I was really drunk, and-"

"Senior year? Senior year of what? Hyrule's only school burnt down in the Quesadilla Eating Contest fifty years ago and nobody ever rebuilt it! That's why everyone is so _stupid_! You could literally walk right into people's houses, and they won't even react because they're too stupid to realize that it's trespassing, sometimes breaking and entering, destruction of property maybe, but it's-"

"Okay! Alright, fine! You caught me! I was curious, man! I needed to know what fingers taste like! That baby Goron was the closest thing with fingers!" Ganondorf was out of breath, his words reverberating around the room. He leaned against the wall and slowly slid to the ground. The two fell into a comfortable silence for the remainder of the day.

This is how the majority of their conversations started and ended, with Davie suggesting that Ganondorf try to break through a different wall, and the Gerudo king later making an obscure confession. Eventually, he realized that it would take much less time if he only punched one wall, so he spent the remainder of the days punching the left wall and engaging in small talk with the voice.

Finally, after almost three weeks, the left wall gave in. "Yes!" Ganondorf shouted. He began to clear the rubble around the large hole he made, only to see another, identical wall about three inches back.

"What?! Davie, why didn't you tell me that there was just another wall behind here? How am I supposed to escape if there are just more walls behind the walls?" Ganondorf asked angrily.

"You were trying to escape?"

"Yes! What else would I be trying to do?!"

"I don't know. I just figured that if you wanted to leave, you would just use the door."

"You saw me trying to break it earlier, it's freaking indestructible!"

"That's because you were hitting it. Doors open when you turn their doorknobs," Davie stated matter-of-factly.

"I know that, but that door's obviously locked."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is, look!" Ganondorf walked over to the wooden door. He twisted the knob, fully expecting it to be locked, but the rusty knob turned. Much to the Gerudo's surprise, the door opened easily.

"Davie! Why didn't you tell me that I could have just opened the door?"

"I did!"

"I mean earlier, before I spent days trying to break down the walls!"

"I told you, I didn't know that you wanted to get out!"

Frustrated, Ganondorf quickly exited the Sacred Realm, closing the door brusquely behind him.

"So, where are we going now?"

Ganondorf looked around, startled by Davie's voice.

"Oh come on, I thought you lived in the Sacred Realm!"

"I did, but before you left, I bound myself to your cape. Isn't it great?" the voice asked cheerfully.

"So… you're going to follow me… forever?" the Gerudo asked apprehensively.

"Yep!"

Ganondorf fell to his knees before curling into the fetal position and starting to sob.

"It's okay, there's no need to cry. I won't ever leave you," Davie said comfortingly.

Ganondorf began sobbing harder.

* * *

 **So… that was a chapter. Throughout the story, I've made a joke or two about Link and Navi's Water Temple PTSD, and I want everyone to know that I am not trying to make fun of or insult people afflicted by it. If you have PTSD, my heart goes out to you, and I sincerely hope that you are not offended. On a lighter note, Link has a stalker now. I left his name out on purpose until next chapter because I want to see if anyone can guess who he is *nobody even tries*. He is an Ocarina of Time character, but that's the only hint. Maybe it's obvious, maybe it's not, I don't know, but I'll see you next week.**


	4. The Town

**Welcome back to HP:TNJ! I need a better shorthand name for that… anyway, sorry about the HUGE break in chapters. School started, and I lost my momentum with the hours and hours of homework… Either way, I'm back now with a new chapter. If you're a hipster, I mean not to make you any more offended than you usually are in your resting state. Anyway, here we are.**

* * *

Link's eyes fluttered open. He looked around the dimly lit room, trying to remember where he was. He appeared to be in a small house with no windows. The smooth wooden floor was littered with hundreds of pots of all different sizes. Link saw a large figure swoop in from one of the rafters supporting the room's high, shadowy ceiling. It landed on a large pot, facing away from the hero, and spread its enormous wings, revealing itself to be a bird.

"Oh, Link! Wow man, you've been out for days! I honestly thought you were dead for a while there," said the bird. It turned around, and Link began to crawl backwards rapidly, a look of panic on his face.

"Hey dude, what's wrong?"

Link continued to scoot away until he bumped into a large pot. It slowly tilted over before bumping into another ceramic pot. This started a chain reaction of falling pots, and eventually, every pot in the cottage was shattered. The sound of thousands of rupees worth of decorative pots shattering woke Navi, who had somehow avoided being flattened while unconscious.

"Link? Where are we, and what happened?" Navi asked. "I feel like I got shivved by a Goron."

Link, who was at this point used to being asked questions that he couldn't verbally answer, pointed to the looming owl. It was now sadly nudging one of the shards of the now destroyed pot that it was earlier perched upon.

"Oh my Goddesses, Kaepora Gaebora?! Did you kidnap us?" the fairy asked.

"What? No! I really wish people would stop asking me that," the owl responded. "You were out in Hyrule field, and you blew up a giant Stalchild. You started freaking out, so I brought you to my house, where you heartlessly and selfishly destroyed my pots! That one over there had my grandfather's ashes in it!" The owl gestured to a pile of black, powdery owl pellets.

"How do you know all that?" Navi asked, raising an eyebrow, which was arbitrary, as nobody could see her eyebrows. "Were you following us again? I told you to stop that a while ago."

"I'm sorry, but it's just so fun to watch Link. Look at him now, that's awesome!" he replied.

Navi looked at Link, who was building something akin to a house of cards out of broken ceramic. He sneezed, and the tower toppled onto him. When the dust from the collapse cleared, Link's ear, the one without an earlobe, was missing, and a fallen shard was covered in blood. He quickly put it back onto the side of his head and poured a red potion onto the injury. After feeling his ear to make sure it was okay, the boy realized that it was on upside-down. He tried to pull it off to fix it but only succeeded in tearing the pointed tip off. The fairy looked back at Kaepora Gaebora.

"Listen, I appreciate that you brought us in from the field, but you need to stop following us. Link is terrified by you. Anyway, we need to get going," Navi explained. She turned to leave, but Kaepora called out to her.

"Wait! Before you go, would you take a look at my neck exercises? I'm auditioning to be the Tötsie Rolls owl later today, and I want to make sure I've got it right. I have a very flexible neck, you know."

"Fine, but make it quick," the exasperated fairy said.

"Oh, thanks!" The owl began to turn his head clockwise. He then started shaking his head. He was only turning about thirty degrees; it wasn't impressive. "Alright, here I go!" Kaepora exclaimed. He quickly jerked his head 180 degrees around, so that he was facing the other way completely. As he did so, several loud snapping noises filled the room, and Kaepora screamed.

"Are you alright?" Navi asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just, um, just come back later. I've got to work this out," wheezed the owl.

"Are you sure?" Questioned the fairy.

"Super sure. I'm just fi-" Kaepora began to cough up blood.

"Alright... Link, let's go," called the fairy.

Link stowed the torn section of his ear in his pocket, and the duo exited Kaepora Gaebora's small house. Navi looked around and realized that they were in Kakariko Village. The first thing she noticed was a large house across the way from the well in the center of the village. It looked to be two stories tall, and it appeared to be made entirely of flannel and leather suspenders.

"Hey, that's new. Should we go check it out, Link?" the fairy asked.

Link looked at the building and nodded. The two approached the odd house, surveying it for any signs of its residents. Link knocked on the door, and it creaked open.

"We might get murdered in there, Link," Navi warned. "This seems dangerous."

Before she could continue, a man opened the door the rest of the way. He appeared to be about twenty years old. He wore square, lensless glasses, a flannel shirt, skinny jeans, and suspenders that appeared to be covered in fur.

"Oh wow, a visitor! Please, come in! I just made a fresh pot of Kombucha!" Said the man while scratching his patchy beard.

"Oh Goddesses, it's a hipster!" Navi exclaimed, horrified.

"Well, that's what people call me, but I identify as a kitsune-dragon." The hipster said, his left eyelid drooping further down as he spoke.

"Link, we have to get out of here! This guy could infect us with Hipster!"

Terrified, Link swung his sword awkwardly at the hipster. It sliced a gash into his neck, and he fell to the ground, gurgling and clutching at his open neck wound.

"Oh Din, you killed him!" Navi screamed.

A sound reminiscent of a police siren began to sound in the distance.

"Whee whoo, whee whoo!" A Hylian Castle Guard ran up to the house, stumbling and making a siren noise. "Freeze, citizen! You're under arrest!" He shouted at Link. "Put your hands up… and… um…" One of the guard's eyes began to point towards the ground, the other looking at the green-clad boy.

"Um, are you alright?" Navi tentatively questioned.

The guard was at that point on the ground, rolling slowly.

"Link, I think he's having a stroke! We have to help him!" Navi exclaimed. The guard was now motionless, ostensibly dead. Link pulled two pairs of sunglasses out of his bag and placed them on the dead men's faces. He then propped them up on a bench made of denim on the Hipster's porch. He stepped back to examine his work before moving in to adjust the guard's hand. The hero moved the hand so that it made a thumbs-up. He smiled and turned away.

Navi stared at the boy, eyes wide, surprised at what he had done. Link began to walk away, and the fairy followed him, still shocked by his murder and cover-up.

* * *

The boy and his fairy had just left Kakariko Village after killing two innocent people and most likely failing to prevent the death of a talking owl.

Navi spoke tentatively to Link, still shocked from the sudden double-homicide. "Link… I think we should go to Kokiri forest. The Deku Sprout may let us stay in your old house for a few days."

The green-clad boy nodded in agreement and glanced up at the sky. The sun was almost directly above him; plenty of time to get to the forest. As he and Navi continued through the sparsely-vegetated field, they noticed something that looked like a giant pineapple covered in razor blades.

"Watch out Link, that's a Peahat. You remember what happened last time we fought one of those," warned Navi. Link's pupils slowly grew wider as he recalled the experience. The dark reflections of heads rolling and blood spraying could be observed in his large eyes, and the echoing screams of countless victims filled his ears.

A butterfly fluttered into Link's field of view, interrupting his flashback. He joyfully began skipping after the creature, which was flying straight towards the Peahat.

"No, Link! Stay away from that!" Navi called, but it was too late. The Peahat's knife-like leaves began to revolve, and it slowly ascended. Link, oblivious to the monster's awakening, continued to skip toward it. However, a loud screech permeated the air, and a red blur snatched the butterfly out of the air. By the time Link had reacted, the blur had launched itself into the Peahat, burrowing through its thick skin as if it were butter. A moment later, it dug out of the sensitive bottom of the Peahat. Unexpectedly, blood and entrails poured out of the wound and the Peahat crashed to the ground, deflating rapidly. The red entity landed on the ground before Link, revealing itself to be a red falcon.

"Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!" Navi exclaimed. Instead, Link pulled out the severed piece of his ear and dropped it in front of him. The falcon hopped to the flesh offering and pecked it curiously. After it determined that the item could be eaten, it devoured the piece of Link's ear. The bird screeched happily and climbed onto Link's shoulder. "What are you doing? That thing's a demon!" Link shrugged and continued walking.

"This is a terrible idea! What are you going to do? Keep it as a pet? Give it a cute name?!" Navi questioned. Link thought for a moment and nodded. "Wait, you actually want to keep and name it? That's crazy!" Link nodded again. "What kind of name would you even give a demonspawn like this? Knowing you, it would probably be something terrible like Gladys Fussbudget…" Link nodded vigorously at this, and the falcon coughed up a bone. "Oh Din, is that what you're actually naming it?" Link smiled, and the falcon stretched its wings.

* * *

As Link, Navi, and Gladys Fussbudget approached Kokiri forest, a tall Gerudo man stood at the Castle Town gate.

"Those fools… they won't defeat me this time!"

"Who won't defeat you, G-Dorf?"

"Shut up, Davie!"

* * *

 **So yeah. Link found a new travelling companion, Kaepora Gaebora might be dead, and Ganondorf is doing a thing too. I feel like my writing may be lacking in description as far as the setting, so please let me know if this is the case, and I'll describe the settings more. Thanks for reading; another update should be out soon, but no promises at this time…**


	5. The Forest

**Good news: I have not died quite yet. There was another big break between chapters, but school is almost out. I should be able to get this story back on track then and update more often. I'm sorry for the huge pauses in uploads, but I just don't have the time that I need sometimes. Oh well, here's a chapter.**

* * *

"Halt! Who goes there?" A shrill, prepubescent voice rang out. Link, Navi, and Gladys, Link's falcon, froze in place. It was approaching sundown, and the three travellers had just reached the entrance to Kokiri Forest, a large, hollow log.

"Who approaches?" The whiny voice repeated. "Be you friend or foe?"

"Who are you?" Navi asked. She searched in vain for the owner of the voice.

"What? No! I asked you first!" Replied the mysterious entity.

"Screw you, dude! We're tired! It took us, like, a week to get here, and you're just going to ask us our names? Get out here, I'm gonna punch you in the face!"

"Don't punch me in the face…"

I'm gonna punch your face!" Navi yelled.

"You can't punch me if you don't know where I- Aah!" The travellers heard a large branch snap, and a young boy in a military-grade ghillie suit fell from above. He landed on the ground hard, but he quickly stood up. "Aha! You have revealed yourselves! Now I can- Oh Goddesses, a falcon!" The boy began panicking at the sight of the bird, running in circles and screaming effeminately. His ghillie suit began to fall apart and blow away until he was left in nothing but a Kokiri tunic, shorts, and a hat.

"Mido, is that you?" Navi asked. After several minutes, Mido started running more slowly and screaming less loudly until he had stopped completely. "Mido, I need you to let us speak to the Deku Sprout."

Mido, now sweating profusely from running, looked up at the fairy. "No way, not after you killed the Great Deku Tree! And especially not with a monster like that!" Mido pointed to the falcon.

"Yeah, his name is Gladys Fussbudget. And we didn't kill the Deku Tree! It was natural causes."

"Fire is not a natural cause!" Mido screamed. He began to draw a small, wooden sword. Gladys looked into Mido's eyes, and the Kokiri boy froze in place. He started clawing at the sides of his face and foaming at the mouth. The falcon nodded and preened its feathers, settling onto Link's shoulder.

"Will he be alright?" Navi asked. Link shrugged and strolled past the boy, who was now rolling around on the bridge that connected Kokiri Forest to Hyrule Field. Before the fairy moved on, she flew down to Mido and punched him in the face.

Navi quickly caught up to Link. "Hey, I wonder if we'll see Sar-"

"Link! You're not dead!" The hero was suddenly knocked off his feet as a blur of green tackled him to the ground. "Link, I missed you so much! We have so much to do and talk about and… oh. _You're_ here." Saria's eyes narrowed as she spotted Navi.

"What? What's wrong with me?" asked Navi.

"You're here to steal _my_ Link, aren't you?" the Kokiri girl questioned. "You're going to take all his love so that I can't have him!"

"Hold on, you think I love Link? He's, like, 12! And you're what, a thousand? Also, you look like a little girl!" Navi exclaimed.

"Hey! I'm not that old! And Link is perfect!" Link blinked slowly, one eye closing before the other. "You'll never take him!"

"What's your deal?" Navi angrily asked. "You can have that brain dead retard!"

"Oh no, it's too late! You've already captured his heart, you succubus! The only way I can free him is by killing you!"

"You're insane!"

Saria pulled a throwing knife out of her pocket and hurled it at the fairy. Navi darted out of the way, and the sharp projectile clipped Link's upside-down ear, leaving it even smaller than it already was. He pulled out a red potion and quickly healed his ear.

"Let's go, Link! She's freaking crazy!" Navi frantically motioned for Link to follow her, but Saria grabbed the boy's arm. "I love him! We'll be together forever!" She attempted to kiss Link, but Navi launched herself at the girl's neck and began hugging it tightly.

"Triangle Lock!" The fairy screamed as she clung to Saria's neck. The Kokiri girl struggled for a moment before becoming limp and falling to the ground. Link knelt down and touched her neck.

"Don't worry, Link. That didn't kill her," Navi assured. Link began rubbing the unconscious girl's neck with his finger, making Navi realize that he wasn't taking her pulse; he was just rubbing her neck. "Dude, stop that. What are you doing?" Link had a look of sheer concentration on his face. After a few seconds, he stopped and rose to his feet. The boy continued walking without presenting an explanation for his actions.

Before long, the trio reached the Deku Sprout's area of the forest. When they approached the spot in which the Sprout was ingrained, he was reading what appeared to be a children's picture book, but the book was positioned upside-down. Link stepped on a twig, and the Sprout quickly nudged the book into a bush.

"Wha- oh. Hello, my children. How may I assist you?" He asked, attempting to sound wise.

"Hello, Great Deku Sprout," replied Navi. "We seek your assistance."

"Ah, so you would like me to grant your wish?" asked the Sprout.

"Whoa, you can grant wishes?"

"That is correct."

"I didn't know that! Why didn't you tell anyone?"

The Deku Sprout replied, "Well… Nobody ever asked, I suppose."

"That's awesome! Could you restore Link's ability to talk?"

"Restore? I assumed he was born like that…"

"No, he used to never shut up. But then…" Navi recalled the horrifying memory. Link saw a ReDead in the Lost Woods, and he ran over to it. Navi hadn't seen what happened, but Link emerged from the forest two hours later with the ReDead's blood spattered across his body. Since that day, Link had never been the same. "So anyway, can you do it?"

"Yes, I suppose so." The Deku Sprout began waving its arms. "Deku Sprout, Deku Sprout, Kooloo Limpah!" A spectacular flash of light blinded Link, and he grabbed at his eyes.

"It is done, my child. Go on, try out your new ability!"

Link opened his mouth. "..." He sucked in a breath. "Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaa-"

"I wish that Link couldn't talk!" Navi yelled. Another flash of light blinded the boy, and his screaming ceased. "Link! What the hell was that?!"

Link began building dirt castles on the forest floor. Gladys grabbed the tip of the boy's cap with his beak and tried to pull it off his head. Concerningly, the green hat appeared to be connected to Link's head; it wouldn't come off.

"That did not go as well as I had hoped," commented the Deku Sprout.

"Yeah… that's enough wishes for now."

"I'm glad you agree, my child; I only had two wishes."

"Wait, what? you wasted your only two wishes on that?"

"Yes," replied the Sprout. "The first one seemed like a good idea, and I think that if I hadn't reversed that, he may have just screamed forever."

"I see. Well anyway, we came here to ask if you would be willing to allow us to stay at Link's old house for a while. Just until we find somewhere else or die." Navi watched as the Sprout became silent, ostensibly in a state of deep thought. After about two minutes, the fairy cleared her throat. "Deku Sprout?"

The Sprout jolted awake. "Yes?"

"Would it be alright if Link and I stayed at his old house for a while?"

"Whose old house?"

"Link's. He's sitting over there." The fairy gestured in Link's direction. He was sitting behind a pile of dead mice. Every few seconds, Gladys would swoop in and drop another mouse onto the pile, and Link would clap excitedly.

"Well, don't cry over spilled milk, I suppose."

"I'm not sure I know what you mean."

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."

"It's a yes or no question, Deku Sprout. May we stay here?"

"To fail to prepare is to prepare to… not succeed."

"Ok, I'm pretty sure that one isn't even quoted correctly…"

"The ham is a mighty tool and a devastating adversary."

"Come on, you made that one up."

"What I'm trying to say is that you may stay here if you complete a task for me."

"Thank Nayru, I thought you were hemorrhaging! What do you need us to get?" asked the fairy.

"My good friend, the Lake Scientist, has been working on a mechanized flowerpot that will allow me to move around! Fetch it for me, my children, and you may stay here as long as you like."

"Alright then, Link and I will retrieve your pot." Navi agreed and looked at Link, who had become buried within a four-foot tall pile of dead mice and was trying to escape.

"Hey Link, we could stop at Lon Lon Ranch on our way to Lake Hylia and visit Malon if you want to," Navi commented. Link immediately nodded; Malon was a good friend, and she most likely had Epona with her. If not, the horse had most certainly starved to death or been crushed by a fragment of the Terminian moon.

"Alright, it isn't too far away. Maybe they'll even let us spend the night at the farm," Navi commented, noting the sun's overhead position in the sky. They had spent the night in Link's old house before departing, and it had taken all morning to sneak past Saria, who was wearing kevlar body armor and toting two bug nets, frantically searching for Navi. It was almost noon, and the trio had just recently departed from Kokiri Forest. Navi looked over to Link, and-

"Link? Where did you go?" Asked the fairy, noticing that her companion had disappeared from his place beside her. She began to look around before noticing a Peahat in its dormant state. Link was sitting on top of it, pulling at its leaves.

"Link, get down from there! How did you even do that? That thing is at least 100 feet away, you were right here a second ago!" Navi yelled. Link looked at her and waved. The Peahat began to rotate its leaf blades and rise from its place in the ground, disturbed by the fairy's yelling. Before it could begin moving toward her, Gladys Fussbudget exploded straight through its center from behind. This caused the giant pineapple to violently explode in a torrent of blood. The blood ignited as the enemy began to dissolve into black flames, quickly spreading across the liquid's surface. Link, covered in the creature's blood, also caught fire and fell to the ground, clawing at his tunic.

After several minutes of pain and struggling, Link grabbed the Ocarina of Time and tried to play the Song of Storms, forgetting that the instrument was broken. Sparks flew from the ocarina's finger holes, and it combusted. The song still worked, however, and it began raining. Within seconds, the fire was extinguished and the rain stopped. Link rose weakly from the ground and looked over at Navi. His face was charred completely black.

"Din, Link, you need to heal that or people will think you're a racist again! This is why we threw away your Confederate flag tunic, people will call you a Gerudo-hater." Navi admonished. Link frowned and freed a pink fairy from its jar.

"You! You killed my sister, you sick son of a bi- AAAAAAAH" the fairy screamed as its arms and legs exploded, showering Link in fairy dust. Its head and torso followed suit, and the hero's wounds were healed.

Link and Navi continued on their path until they reached Lon Lon Ranch. When they arrived, the two were surprised to see Epona dashing around the ranch's racetrack. Upon further inspection, she was actually running away from Malon. The young girl was holding a fork and knife and attempting to catch up to the terrified horse, slowly gaining ground. "Slow down! I only want a bite!" Malon called as she jumped forward and landed on Epona's back. She attempted to stab the horse with the fork, but it hit a corner and the utensil flew into the horses' feeding troughs..

"Hey! What are you doing?" Navi questioned as Epona approached. Malon froze, holding her knife over her head as if she was about to stab the brown horse.

"Fairy boy, it's you! I never really got to thank you for waking my dad up back at the castle," Malon said as she quickly slipped the knife into her boot.

"Hey, what were you doing there? It looked like you were trying to eat Epona…" Navi commented, eyeing the farm girl suspiciously.

"Me? What? No! Who told you that? Was it Ingo?" At the mention of his name, Ingo came out of a barn. Spotting Link, he glared and walked over to the group.

"What is this little Deku Stick doing here?" He asked angrily. "You know I told you to use the sign-in sheet!"

"Did you call Link a Deku Stick? Like, as an insult?" This was Navi.

"Yeah. What of it, Moblin Ham?"

"Wow, ok. You aren't good at making fun of people at all."

"How dare you!? Leave this ranch at once, you're unwelcome!" Ingo yelled, shaking his fist. Gladys Fussbudget screeched and raked a talon down the farmer's face, leaving deep cuts in his skin. Ingo grabbed his face and started to cry. He ran off without looking where he was going and slammed his face into the side of a barn. Epona trotted over to the downed farmer and began to stomp on his head and arms.

Malon was the first to speak, eager to avoid returning to the subject of Epona. "Fairy Boy, you look tired and it's almost dark out…" Link was trying to pull Gladys out of the neckline of his tunic. "Would you like to spend the night at the ranch?" Link nodded enthusiastically and collapsed. Malon smiled and ran off, presumably to prepare the guest room.

"I really wonder what happened to her in this timeline… I'm pretty sure she wants to eat Epona now," Navi commented. Link looked at her confusedly at the mention of a timeline. "Yeah, you remember. Princess Zelda sent us back in time and Malon only remembers that time we woke up her dad," explained the fairy. Link's expression became blank. Navi began to explain again, but she realized that Link was distracted. He pulled Majora's Mask from its place in his pocket, and the artifact began pulsing red. Link held it at eye level, and it began to speak.

"Free me." Link looked at it for several minutes.

"Link, that mask just talked! What's up with that? Does it do that?" Navi exclaimed.

The mask spoke again: "Fairy, you must free me. I am Majora, god of the sun. If you do not free me, the neighboring country of Termina will lead an invasion on Hyrule. I attempted to destroy the evil nation by bringing their moon down upon them, but _this_ idiot stopped me. If I am not able to continue my cause, Hyrule will be overtaken and destroyed. I must- Hey! What are you doing?!" Link pulled out a rope and tied it around Majora's Mask. He stood up and dragged the mask behind him as he walked to the ranch stables.

* * *

"Ganondorf is a pretty long name. I think you need a nickname."

"I don't need a nickname, Davie."

"Let's see… G-Dorf, G-Dwarf, Dibbles, Ganonball, Greenbean, Gupps, Gardashian, King Duck… Any of those sound good?"

"No, Davie."

"Ok then, I'll choose."

"Don't choose."

"Your new nickname is… Emcee DJ-Lord G-Dorf."

"Davie, that's not a nickname. That's longer than my real name."

"Don't worry about it. So, why are in Gerudo Desert now?"

"There was a little boy in a green dress that sent me to the Sacred Realm, but I never committed a crime. Now, I'm going to kill him through a series of complicated dungeons, monsters, and puzzles."

"Emcee DJ-Lord G-Dorf, that sounds sneaky."


	6. Discontinued

This story is being DISCONTINUED because I haven't updated in forever and I realized that my several long breaks in writing have resulted in some plot discontinuity. I may be starting some new projects in the future, but I can't be sure.


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